Thursday, March 18, 2010

I stopped at the supermarket after work yesterday for cough medicine. Ahead of me in line was a man in his late 30's, maybe early 40's. He appeared to be talking to himself until I noticed the bluetooth device stuck in his ear. He was shifty and indecisive. I maintained a comfortable distance. The lines were long and unpredictable and he was bouncing back and forth from lane 2 and 3 trying to determine which would be faster. As we neared the checkout he looks over to his left and says "I think my line might be faster." I realize the whole operation is a team effort and the overweight woman in lane 3 is his accomplice. He cuts in front of me 2 more times before leaving and awkwardly squeezing himself in front of another customer and joining his partner. By far one of the most annoying supermarket offenses: "line splitting". Combined, they had 3 items....

(1) Gallon of store brand chocolate chip ice cream
(1) Bottle of store brand maple syrup
(1) 2 liter bottle of store brand root beer

Somebody got the recipe for Root Beer Floats all wrong. I imagined them coming back later to pick up their diabetes medicine from the pharmacy. I finished my transaction seconds ahead of them but seconds was all the satisfaction I needed.

Behind me in line was a woman attempting to return used hair ties and hair clips that she claimed broke. I wondered how this woman managed to break both accessories? What style were you attempting to pull off that would bend a hair clip to its breaking point? How many times did you wrap your ponytail beyond that tie's elasticity? I wondered where she was from and who lead her to believe that returning used hair clips and ties was anything less than nauseating. I kept wondering what happened to Chris Crocker and I wanted to offer a chip clip as a suggestion.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Dear Target...

Dear Target,

I watched a woman dismantle one of the shelves in your freezer section and deplete your entire stock of frozen peas. I have a feeling she has done this before. I didn't want peas but taking apart the shelf seemed brazen. I also noticed the freezer door fogging up. Target, you may not care about the freezer door fogging up but in my opinion, if there is fog, you've been in there too long. I had to open the door to see if there were any items I may want. Thank god I didn't want any peas--you were out.

When I got in line to check out I was behind a woman purchasing 8 boxes of maxi pads. The woman turned to me and said "This could be at least 5 minutes." I don't know why she told me that but I instantly got the feeling that something unusual was happening (aside from my belief that maxi pads are outmoded). She had these fancy manufacturer coupons for the pads; each box was free. As she left I overheard one of your associates saying it was a scam but target doesn't lose any money from it and there is nothing anybody can do. I just want to let you know that sucks.

As I left your store I set off your anti-theft alarm. I stepped back and pushed my cart through one more time to make sure I was the person setting it off. It was in fact me so I pulled my cart out of the way and patiently waited for an associate to examine my purchases. I waited....and waited....then I pushed my cart far enough through the sensors to set it off again, hoping to grab someones attention. Then I waited some more. I then began intentionally activating your alarm. I did this four or five times and nobody took action. I was beginning to think nobody cared. Eventually an associate was within earshot and I shouted for help. "Excuse me, I'm sorry but I keep setting off your alarm and I think somebody might want to check this out." Your associate laughed at me and said "Oh? Is that why you have been waiting here this whole time?....We don't really pay attention to that." I wish somebody had shared this information with the maxi pad lady. I think she has put a lot of time and effort into a complicated scam when she could have just walked right out the front door.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Nicki Andrade

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Birth

This blog is dedicated to the strange purchases I see in supermarket lines. I can't help but obsess over the combination of items I see in people's carts; I try to imagine the reasons behind their choices. I try to picture what their lives are like. I mostly laugh....now I share. I encourage others to share as well:)

So we begin...

Last week I stopped at the grocery store for cleaning supplies. I quickly pick out my items and shuffle to the checkout line. I find myself behind a couple in their late 20's.

(9) Lifewaters
(1) Chocolate Cake

I went through the obvious questions in my head regarding the flavored waters: Is it that good? Was there a sale? How many bottles can one person carry without dropping them? What if there was a million dollar prize? Would they be able to carry more Lifewater under pressure? Are they keeping a hostage? For 9 days? Why the uneven number? Is it so they could get the chocolate cake and still qualify for speedy checkout in the "10 items or less" line? Did they have 10 lifewaters and walk by the chocolate cake and think "Oh shit, put one of those back--we have to get this chocolate cake. Kelly Clarkson drinks lifewater. Oh wait? No she doesn't. She drinks vitamin water, duh. I wonder if she actually drinks it?

Even more perplexing than the 9 flavored waters: the chocolate cake. THE WHOLE 9 INCH CHOCOLATE CAKE with little chocolate shavings in the shape of a half moon. As the checker slid the plastic across the little magic price lazer she says "Wow, this looks great!". The guy responds "Yeah. Can't wait to try it". I was unsatisfied with this response. I mean...this was his opportunity to explain himself and preserve his girlfriend's dignity. My head was spinning with excitement when the checker prompted him; I thought his response would offer a sense of relief. Maybe he would blush and say "We just couldn't help ourselves" (acceptable) or "We're having 7 friends over for cake and lifewater" (weird but acceptable).

The chocolate cake was more than likely marginal and dried out in 36 hours. I've had cake from that store. It's marginal.